Time is Within the Wind

I have been delaying

I know that I have spent some time away from sharing my life with you for the past couple of weeks now…but I have been going through some different experiences, filtering new feelings, and truly realizing how in love I am with my life here in Uganda.  I have become overwhelmed with the thought of leaving this place that I now call my home, even if it is for some short time to visit my home country for one month. As you all know, time brings about changes, and in the month away I fear what changes could be brought about with my lacking presence in the life that I have been making here.  

I have been trying to develop the best strategy to share with all of you who may inquire about my journey thus far face to face and I recognize that perhaps I have been living this life day to day so accustomed to its beauty that I have failed to truly record the importance of every moment. 

I always find that the first time you begin something and temporarily stray from it, it’s not the same once you return…perhaps that is what I fear.  Have you ever become so comfortable with some place, some position, some job, or what have you, that you truly feel torn to leave it? I know that in my heart I want to return to my country to visit my beloved family, friends, and supporters, but I am now feeling that I am leaving a family behind here too.  Once you are enter someone’s life you are always a part of it; regardless if it ends badly, abruptly, unjustly, or happily for however long you knew them or for whatever reason you met them, you have been implanted in their lives and will either remain as some distant or persistent memory, but you will remain.

To you perhaps it may seem that I’m writing as if I am not returning to Uganda one month after leaving, but to me it’s as if I’m leaving the beginning chapters of my journey and embarking upon even more of the unknown.  I have had people ask me how in the world did I accept a calling where I had completely no idea what it would be like…as if I were embracing the unknown, but as I have shared before, I always knew I was going to come to Africa…that was not unknown to me…what is unknown is the next step and how and when I will get there.

Looking back on the last seven months, I feel I haven’t been gone for nearly a single deep breath.  I inhaled once I boarded the plane and now I find myself exhaling only to feel that these last months have slipped away in the wind. It’s as if I had just shut my eyes for a brief moment and suddenly I am boarding the plane again….

I cannot tell you how happy I am when I am walking up and down Main Street in Jinja Town; how I love the bumpy roads that seem to every once in a while make me tap my head on the window as if to make sure I’m taking it all in; how the beauty of the lake, the blueness of the sky, the cows that sit beside the busy roads, the roosters that crow to make sure we know what time of day it is, the goats that for no extra charge cut our grass, and the chickens that make me laugh every time I see them run fills me with joyfulness…how about each time a child sees me, they run to me…”mzungu, mzungu”…at first I wish they would just see me as every other passerby, but it is their way of sharing their excitement to see someone who looks differently than them in their presence…or how about the boda boda drivers who are at times overwhelming, but in the scheme of things, they are earning a living transporting people from here to there; let me mention about how I seem to always put my full trust into the coaster driver who I feel protects me personally on the trips from the side of the road to town or even from Jinja to Kampala…have I mentioned lately how safe I feel…how I sense that everyone in their own way is looking out for me, I simply feel that even though some men and women may try and take advantage of me simply because of my lighter skin, it’s honestly because they think that mzungu’s have money…they think that we are blessed with an abundance of assets and for them, that’s what they are taught…just like sometimes the only thing some people think about Africa is that it is full of wild animals, deserts, clay houses and dirt roads; ah my dears, Africa/Uganda is filled with so much more.

The Jaaja’s (Grandmother’s) of Ntinkalu have truly touched my soul and if it weren’t for their continued dedication to Lazarus Community I by now would have found myself filled with some discouragement…but they continue to lift my spirit’s each time I am able to see them and talk with them.  They come each week, greet us, sing to us, hug us, as if we haven’t seen each other in months and my heart skips with joy that these women have such strong faith in believing positive change through our continued correspondence is going to one day finally come.

Looking back at the “Tereza” I was when I showed up here, to the “Tereza” that I have become, I can now see some of the things that I had not seen, understand some of the things that I unknowingly misunderstood, and I somehow comprehend the things that once were above me…and in seven months from now, I’ll know even more, I’ll understand even more, and I’ll comprehend even more…and from here on out that is how my life is going to be in this place…I recently talked with someone who helped me accept that at the beginning I did think I understood how things worked, however, six months into my mission I began to realize that perhaps I didn’t and one year into my experience I’ll know for a fact that I came clueless (as hard as that may be to accept), and so on and so on; however, even though I continuously find myself asking Mother Nature to slow down the time which slips away each day, I have learned as much as I have learned because Mother Nature has blessed me with time.

I honestly had no idea how challenging this journey in the business side of things, working as program coordinator of Lazarus Community as well as in my personal life was going to be for me.  I have learned beyond the amount lessons I thought were capable, in fact I am not sure I have even processed everything that I have lived through and to think I’ve only been here for a little less than seven months…imagine a couple years from now…which leads me to my next thought…I have no idea where I will be in year from now, more than likely I’ll still be here in Uganda…but is that the plan?  I have yet to figure that out…as for now I am continuously wrestling with the fact that I am incompetent when it comes to knowing anything that is certain in my future besides the most important detail that I will be living the life that I have imagined…cliché as it may sound, that phrase among many others allowed me to set the goal of living in Africa…and here I am in love with my Ugandan life.

To any of you who may be interested I will be landing on US soil on September 7^th and my wings take me flying back to Uganda on October 5^th…while I am home there will be two fundraisers for Lazarus Community: September 17^th and September 24^th; details will follow shortly!

I want to thank you all for being such a wonderful part of my journey thus far and I pray that you will continue to follow me once I return…I will post information regarding both fundraisers ASAP…looking forward to seeing you all!

Much Love,

Anne Therese

Live the Life Outside of the Expected

The Essence of Selflessness

With time it seems that life changes before our eyes but until we really open our hearts the changes can go unnoticed.  It is beyond challenging for me to grasp that I have been in Uganda for 6 months now, living this life of pure beauty.  It seems that my heart, my soul, and my way of life has blossomed beyond anything I could have ever expected.  The people I have met, the places I have gone, the experiences I have encountered, and the roads I traveled have become alive within me. I believe this mission came to me when I was very young to live some of my life in Uganda; it was a calling in which I was destined to respond.   At times I find it difficult to put into words the new perspectives I have gained, the lessons I have learned, the feeling of the Lake breeze, the warmth of the Ugandan sun, the blanket of the stars, and even the tangible embrace of life itself.  I have never felt so alive.  I truly feel that life is of its own essence that we are here day in and day out with the Grace of the Lord to inhale the goodness in which we prosper and to exhale the challenges in which we may encounter.

This past weekend I was blessed with the opportunity to attend the final vows of 5 professing young men to join the Holy Cross Congregation and the ordination of 4 of the young men into their new chapter of being Deacons.  I cannot fully explain the feelings that accompanied me throughout those couple of days.  Watching these young men make such a profession of faith to always put others first, to take a vow to live a life of poverty, and to promise to always uphold the mission of giving whatever they may have to offer to anyone who is in need filled me.  The inspiration of being completely selfless touched the depth of my soul;  to live a life of pure selflessness is the way of life in which I encourage myself to lead, however it seems to be much easier said than done.  But we too can give to one another, we can let go of the things in which we think we want and instead provide for the ones who truly are in need of our assistance.

My personal life has become more real, in a sense that I feel completely present in every happening throughout the day.  Not just going through the motions of a day to day routine, of the “same old same old” but sincerely squeezing the juice out of every moment of every day.  I have tried to implement the idea of looking outside of myself, placing myself in others shoes to try and see how they see me.  Being human we tend to have the capability of becoming lost in our own image, in how perceive ourselves, and we forget to walk in our neighbor’s shoes from time to time. For me, my life here is a journey in which I will continue to live forever in Uganda and forever in my heart.  For others, my journey has become a part of their lives.  These people who I have met, who I have become close to, who I have blessed to be friends and sisters with have let me in to their lives, to their homes, and to their hearts.  It’s important that we remember that it isn’t always about ourselves; it’s about being together, living together, and working together as one. ONE LOVE.

These last few weeks of visiting the Jaaja’s (Grandmother’s) in Ntiankalu have been overwhelmingly authentic.  I am no longer a visitor; I am a part of their lives.  I am no longer Tereza the mzungu, I am a member of their group.  Listening to them discuss who will take care of the goats, who will take care of the pigs, who will be the chairperson of our new project of the table mat making, how much money they will contribute to their village savings bank, etc…this is a very real and determined group of women and I cannot say I have had any impact in their approach to self-sustaining their own programme.  I simply am present, supportive, and available. 

As time scurries on, I too find myself scrambling around for time.  I feel there is so much that I need to do, that I need to say, that I need to implement.  The anxiety of the feeling of never having a enough time seems to overcome me…I find myself wanting to work all day and stay up all night just to try and accomplish the tasks in which I feel could be of some use to someone somewhere…but then I have to remind myself, that we have been given so much time in one day because there is only so much we can do, as hard as that is to accept, I must.   We have to organize, we have to plan, and we have to be reliant in whatever it is that we are trying to accomplish.  However, we must keep in mind also, that we are merely on this earth for some short time and throughout our busy days we have to take the time to slow down, to enjoy the beauty in the fact that we cannot always accomplish everything on our list of “to-dos.”  That day in and day out we don’t always have to have a check list of things that we must do, but to keep our lives open so that our destiny can take us to better places than we ourselves could have tried to reach.

I have become good friends with a Seminarian here who seems to always want to have a set programme, and as he is new to Uganda, he too will figure out that life here is on a different timetable…a different approach….a different agenda.  In Uganda or at least in my Ugandan life I have realized that we cannot always expect to keep time, to reach the places in which we were expecting to go, or to see the people in which we were hoping to meet that day.  It’s possible that the lifestyle will forever impact my approach to life regardless of where I am…when things don’t go the way they had been originally planned it’s not personal, it’s not an insult, it’s not purposeful…that’s just it, it’s the way of life here, and I find that seems to fit me so well…that sure having a plan can be beautiful, having expectations can sometimes be a priority, but in the larger picture of this opportunity to LIVE I have found and now thoroughly believe it’s more important to be open to what unexpected gifts may come my way, to encompass the bumps in the road in which nearly can overturn my entire programme, to be loyal to my faith, and express my feelings/opinions from the wholesomeness of my heart.  

I will soon be updating you all on the upcoming events I have planned for when I am visiting my home country, in the meantime please consider supporting Lazarus Community and offering your prayers so that we can continue to strive to be self-sustaining.

May blessings surround you always,

Mbagaliza emirembe,

Anne Therese