Within my Personal self

Coming from Within

Since the beginning of my original mission I didn’t have a set plan; a plan in which would take me from point A to point B to point C and so on.  Honestly, I haven’t really been much of a planner in my entire life, however; I do like to set goals and as many of you know by now living here on this side of the world has always been my number one goal.  Yet, by not necessarily having a “set plan” I find myself continuing to extend my stay here in Uganda and there are days that I find myself repeatedly asking ‘why?’

Is it the lifestyle?

The freedom?

The journey?

The ease of moving from here to there?

 Is it to embrace these constant challenges that I was not expecting to come up against?

Is it because I just don’t want to move on yet?

Ladies and gentlemen, I have yet to find the answer…and as cliché as it sounds perhaps U2 has it right when they sing

“And I still haven’t found what I’m looking for…”

I could not be more grateful, more honored, more blessed or more in debt to all of you who continue to pray, to talk, to inquire, to donate, and to follow my journey.

Of course when I came here I knew that every day, every person I met, every experience that I would encounter would change my perspective, my views of what I thought was, and of course my heart…and absolutely everything that I can think of has sincerely changed me….yet again I haven’t always been so keen on changes…so here I am not so keen on planning and not so keen on changes…but I am about to enter my 14^th month in Uganda and I can most certainly tell you that I am not the same person I was when I boarded that plane in February 2011.

Even though I may not be so accepting of changes, I am accepting of the idea of transforming to change.  I had someone recently tell me that I am simply procrastinating…that I am procrastinating to join “reality…” what is reality anyhow?  Just because I am living here in Uganda, East Africa for who knows how much longer, doesn’t mean that my life is any less real here than it would be if I were in the U.S.  Perhaps that’s another thing that has set my mind running: “procrastinating to join reality…”

This life of mine that I am leading isn’t just some experiment or some dream that I have reached and will one day leave behind…no, I’m afraid that this here and now is my reality and that is why I am not just yet ready to board that plane to head back to the U.S. to join a life that perhaps waits for me with glory and sunny days but I know myself (most of the time), and I feel in my heart that I still have some life to live here.

Seems as if this entry is all about me…a lot of “I this” and “I that” when my mission was to come here and work with and for Lazarus Community…however, I cannot be so successful if I am in place where I have yet to find a balance between me and this life.  Perhaps I can’t explain as well as I would like to, or offer you the words that could somehow lead you through this web of a masterpiece in my mind…rather I’d hope to find the words that could lead me from my mind to my heart.

As I have told you before someone months ago said that I was thinking too much with my mind and not enough with my heart and sorry to say but I think I have failed to find that path or at least a stable pathway from my mind to my heart.

I have met people along the way here that have become my friends, like a second family…one or two that inspire me perhaps more than the others but isn’t that the way it is sometimes.  I haven’t lost who I was but I have certainly gained more than I was expecting to make me who I am on this very day.  This day that is actually quite chilly, grey, and quiet and not so typical of what I am used to here in Uganda (how perfect for this entry). 

There have been people along the way that have shared with me that “I will just know…”

That I will just know when it is time to move on

That I will just know that it is okay to feel that I have done all I could with what I have

That I will just know that sometimes life has a different “plan”

That I will just know that the moment has come to accept what I may have known all along

Right now I am within one of those “I will just know” bubbles…I know that I am ready for a change, more challenges, and different surroundings…however, I also know that I am not just yet ready to head back to a life I know awaits me and I can’t avoid…not that I want to necessarily avoid it by any means, but the fact of the matter is, I know that I have the unconditional love and support from my family and close friends…and they too know me well enough that one day “I will just know” and when I know…they will be there to welcome me.

We can’t live up to other people’s expectations all the time; we shouldn’t change who we are just to keep hold of something that once gave us comfort; we must never give up something that we have always had within us…that something that makes us who we are…transformation to change, sure, but on the other hand…there are certain aspects of who we are, what is embedded within our individual souls that will never change...and we must be strong enough to embrace what makes us unique.

Lately, I have not been so good at keeping up to date and here I am babbling and baffling your minds with such words that could honestly be used as splatter paint to cover a canvas entirely of mixed colors.  One of those paintings that provide people with the opportunity to take it as they will, discover themselves within it, or get completely lost in its original intention.

Even though I may seem distant at times my dear ones, I am here, I am available, and I am always loving and appreciative of your loyalty.

The last few adventures that I have been on have been quite different than the rest; trying to figure things out, saying goodbye to friends who are heading back to their other lives outside of Uganda, searching for ways to continue on, sitting in places I never knew existed, connecting with people whose lives are completely different than mine yet feeling so secure, and doing my best at trying to cherish every single moment of every single day regardless if it makes sense to or not…

Please continue to be who you are, keeping your own shine on within, and loving one another for who they offer themselves to be…

Many blessings and Much love,

Anne Therese