Love Reaches Out: March 2012

Remember Every Aspect Life Improvises Through You.

I cannot make up enough excuses as to why I have been absent in my writing lately. I hope those of you who do follow my blog site also follow the blog I have on the Lazarus Community website: www.thelazaruscommunity.org I have been keeping up with that blog weekly, sometimes even twice in one week.

Since I last wrote to you, even though I haven’t been on any “traveling” adventures, I have been on several small personal adventures which have led me to do much personal reflection and have given me some time to process a few thoughts. However, with the hustle and bustle of my days what progress I do seem to make sometimes is lost and I start all over again.

But as some say, “such is life” and this is why we continue to grow as individuals. When I was in the west for a few weeks in Kyarusozi working/shadowing in the health care clinic and walking through the hallways and in and out of primary school classrooms I discovered that I wasn’t necessarily there to provide but to receive. In those few weeks I found myself in a different sense that I have found myself since being here, and even though that self was found…she is somehow lost again; yet during those days I had some clarity and understanding with myself in terms of a timeline of my UG life. Most of my afternoons I spent alone, reflecting, resting, thinking, writing…I read back on some of my journal entries and feel like those words and thoughts seem so distant.

It’s challenging to take things in, this life, every single day and every single night and truly appreciate every ounce of it. As I have shared before there are many differences in the lifestyle that I have here than I do in the States. That is one of the major concerns I have…it seems that I have to choose a lifestyle and I am not yet sure how to do that successfully (however, I am doing my best to being open to combining both lifestyles when the time comes). I have shared some of these thoughts with family and close friends and they all have wonderful and sound advice to give but it takes the person, it takes me, to truly connect and figure out what it is that I am looking for, holding out for, and trying to sincerely accomplish.

Of course my mission was to come here and help with Lazarus Community and I have absolutely never worked in such conditions before…lately there seems to be many challenges resulting in being confused and somehow misunderstood…but don’t get me wrong, the work that we have accomplished together has benefited the women in more ways than one, just like they have benefited my entire life in more ways than one. However, I also came here, unknowingly perhaps, on a personal mission in which I am still trying to define.

When I was west I formed a very dear friendship with Sr. Mary DeNardis who is growing older and will be heading to the US in June…and even though this is challenging for her as she shared with me a few times she said, “things change when you grow older and sometimes you just have to accept them…” needless to say I have reflected on that statement quite often since. She also shared, “you should not become static in your ways…” and that’s beyond true. With many other lessons that she nonchalantly taught me during those few weeks, I left there with much to think about and have yet to come to fully discern on each one…when will I truly ever learn; then I think to myself that life is a lifelong lesson and then I am satisfied for the time being.

Every time I write one of these blogs I realize that I cannot believe it is such and such a date: 5. March. 12 really?! How did that happen…where is the time going…what am I doing…how much longer do I have here…how much longer do I want to stay here…how much longer am I able to stay here…what am I staying for…what am I holding out for…sure, to make sure Lazarus Community is sustainable in its own way…but what else am I doing? There are all sorts of questions running through my mind…it’s a roller coaster in there and perhaps that’s why I have neglected to write…because I am in mid-process of trying to collect myself.

Talking to my two dear friends who have both been gone from Uganda for over three months now…I can see the changes…I can hear it in their voices, read it in their words…am I ready for that? Not that they are so totally different or that I do not love them now as dearly as I did when they were here…but going from one place to another changes you…of course it does…and yes although I said, “you should not remain static in your ways…” sometimes I struggle to be comforted by change.

If things go as they are somehow planned, and I mean, somehow…then I will be heading to the States in about 4-5 or so months…and that just seems way too soon for me…but is it? I am not sure how to answer that question…yet this morning over tea in town with a new visitor to Uganda from the US but who has lived in Peru the last 12 years said to me…”you have to make sure you are spending your energy where it should be spent…you have to make sure you are using your gifts and talents where they should and can be spent…and sometimes when you have such questions, out of nowhere the answer just comes to you. You will know, believe me…in the last couple of days of getting to know you, I see that you will simply know when it is your time…you have already invested so much time here…make sure you invest in yourself…”

And that goes for all of us…in regards to our jobs, married lives, single lives, student lives, home lives, etc…make sure you continue to invest in yourself as well as your loved ones, friends, career, home etc.

I sincerely am trying to connect, reflect, meditate, and understand myself…why I do the things I do, etc. However, I do believe that sometimes we do things that we will never understand…and that’s okay. In the mean time I continue to question many different things about my life…my young life…this beautiful life…praying that I do not wake up one day to have discovered that too much time as slipped away while doing all of this reflecting. At times I take that to heart and do things, and try things, and make decisions…but it’s about being balanced…balancing my hopes, desires, dreams…and reality…reality, eh, I have never truly loved that term…yet how else do we phrase this present day…this present moment…this is my reality.

Perhaps I just have to take advantage of what I need and can while there’s time and give and share what I can while I am still able…Life…it’s truly its own masterpiece.

Sorry for the delay again in sharing with you all…but as you can see my mind is a whirlwind of random thoughts however…I will continue to do my best to keep you all updated on my journey…my adventure…my life…my reality.

Below are some random pictures of these last few weeks!

Hope to hear from you soon…

Much love and many blessings,

Anne Therese